


unashamed, wide open for joy

by queerofcups



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Consent Issues, First Dates, M/M, Sex Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 13:36:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11060091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerofcups/pseuds/queerofcups
Summary: Dan laughs a little and says, “Oh, I, ah. I make videos. For people. Online.”“Oh!” Phil says, sounding a little surprised, but not put off. He laughs quietly, almost to himself, and says, “I do too, actually.”It turns out, “I make videos for the internet” can have multiple meanings.





	unashamed, wide open for joy

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to phanetixs for beta'ing, and cosmogeny for reminding me that frodo didn't know what he was getting into either. All the plot is just an excuse for the porn y'all.  
> Specifications about the consent issues in the bottom notes.
> 
> This is all fake, and storytelling. If you're Dan or Phil, omg, go away.

London is orange and muggy with the setting sun and the dampness of a recently ended summer rainstorms. Dan can feel sweat collecting at his temples. His hair looks amazing, curling into plump waves in the moist air, but the rest of him is going to miserable and sweaty for this blind date. He can only hope the other guy is just as vaguely damp and overheated as he is.

“Lou, you’re absolutely _sure_ he doesn’t know what I do?” Dan asks, barely avoiding a puddle that’s shimmering multicolour with unknown chemicals. He loves London, has loved it since he moved here years ago, but his love doesn’t mean he can’t see how gross it is sometime.

“I’m certain!” Louise says. “We take that pottery class together. You know how dreadfully boring it is, and we’re the youngest people there by at least thirty years. We’ve been chatting for ages, Dan, and the one time I mentioned youtube he just nodded and smiled, didn’t say another word. Dan, it’s _fine_.”

He can hear glasses clinking in the background of the call and feels vaguely bad that he’s interrupting Louise’s dinner for a mild freak out. But she was the one who set this up and she’s fully aware of the struggles of dating while vaguely internet famous, even if she’s not quite as vaguely internet famous as he is. And she was there for the aftermath of finding out his latest ex was not only a fan of his work but a bit of a stalker with some really good acting skills.

“Dan,” Louise says firmly. “It’s going to be perfectly lovely. And if it isn’t, you’ve only agreed to a little coffee date, not marriage.” 

Dan whines a nervy, distressed noise, then sighs, “Fine. Fine. I’m here anyway. Talk later.” 

“Later, darling,” Louise says cheerfully, then hangs up.

Dan stands outside the tiny coffee shop a moment longer, breathing in the thick warm air and trying to exhale anxiety. Louise is right. He’s agreed to coffee, not marriage, and he’s prepared to text her nine-nine-nine if he needs an escape route. And he _trusts_ Louise. She may be closer to a co-worker than a friend, but she’s closer to him than any of the other youtubers he’s come to know and. He trusts her. He _does_.

He takes one more breath to steel himself then pushes the door to the café open. The smell of coffee and blessed air con greet him, along with a bored teenaged barista who calls out a welcome to him then looks back at her phone. Dan calls back a half-hearted thank you, because he’s both too awkward and too polite not to and looks around.

The café is small, mostly made up of comfy looking chairs and tables that probably belonged in peoples’ kitchens in past lives. Most of the patrons are older, parental looking people. Some of them glance up at him as he comes further into the shop, but immediately go back to their conversations. No one’s eyes linger on him. Dan breathes a sigh of relief. He’s had as much anxiety about a member of the audience he’s kinda-sorta-not-exactly out to interrupting him on the date as he’s had about the date itself. 

He doesn’t have to look very far to find his date. He recognizes him from the pictures Louise sent when she was half-pleading, half-demanding he go on this date and stop whining about being single all the time. The guy’s also, like him, a good twenty years younger than everyone else in the café, barring the teenage barista.

Dan smiles and waves at him a little and walks over. 

“Phil?” Dan asks, even though he knows its him. He looks just like his picture, a little older than Dan, with a soft smile, dark hair and the distractingly blue eyes.

“Yeah,” he says, “Daniel, right?” 

Dan grins a little. Hearing his name from a cute guy with a cute Northern accent isn’t the worst thing in the world.

“Dan’s fine. Hi.” He sits down to what’s honestly the best first date of his life. 

It starts off awkward, like every first date does. Dan asks Phil about himself, Phil asks Dan how he knows Louise and doesn’t seem to notice when Dan doesn’t really answer. Dan asks how long Phil’s lived in London, Phil asks him the same. It’s perfectly fine, even if Dan feels himself coming up short. Dan isn’t unaware that his videos, and the opportunities youtube has gotten him, are the most interesting part of his life. It’s just never quite as apparent until he tries to not talk about his job. 

But, even sticking to safe topics, Dan finds himself laughing at little asides Phil makes and his stomach flips a little when Phil grins back at him. Then, Phil makes an offhand comment about buying the Nintendo Switch and Dan scoffs something about them releasing it without any proper titles.

Phil says, volume a little too enthusiastic for the quiet café, “I know, _right_?” 

They make their way through two drinks each, chattering about video games, then anime, which they disagree almost entirely about, but Dan’s thrilled with every terrible point Phil makes. 

Somehow, Dan learns that Phil has a degree in video editing, an unhealthy obsession with Stephen King novels and houseplants that all have names. His own interest in philosophy and storytelling come up organically, as Phil nods and keeps his eyes trained on Dan’s face, intensely attentive.

Around them the café fills up, then slowly empties out. Every time either of them gets up—for another drink, a trip to the bathroom, _three_ different pastry runs for Phil, they end up sitting back down a little closer.

By the time the teenaged barista comes to tell them that the café is closing, Dan’s arm is nearly brushing Phil, as they lean their heads together to look at a tweet that’s contextualizing Dan’s existential crises, a story he tells as a much funnier and entertaining event than it was when he was experiencing it.

“Oh!” Phil says, looking at Teenaged Barista. “We’re so sorry! We’ll get out of your way.” 

Dan follows his lead, gathering up his phone and stepping out of the café.

“Which way are you headed?” Phil asks, looking down the street in the direction Dan needs to go to catch the Tube. “My flat’s this way.”

“That way,” Dan says, pointing in the direction Phil’s turned.

Phil grins at him and gestures for them to walk together. The air is still damp, but cooler now and the city is still bustling around them. Phil’s gone sallow in the yellow city lights and Dan’s surprised by how much he’d like to kiss him. He falls into crushes fast, always has, but after a few hours in a café is a record even for him. He wants to reach out and grab Phil’s hand from where its swinging at his side. He wants to keep talking to him and see where this goes.

“My flat is nearby,” Phil tells him, “Just past the station actually.”

“So you can walk me the whole way?” Dan asks and grins at him, flirty and a little reckless with the thrill of it.

“That’s the plan,” Phil says, grinning back at him. “So you were laying on the floor…” 

“Right!” Dan says, returning to the story of his existential crisis and subsequent exit from academia. 

“So,” Dan continues, looking at familiar street signs and wrapping up his story. “My mom wasn’t thrilled, but I knew what I had to do.” 

“That’s amazing,” Phil says, looking at him and smiling. “My parents would kill me if I’d told them I was quitting school.” 

“Yeah,” Dan says, ducking his head. The bit with his parents isn’t quite as easy to turn into a funny anecdote, which is why he skips it when he talks on his channel about his decision to become a fulltime internet hobo. “It worked out though. I ended up moving to London and got pretty successful doing…what I do.” 

He finishes the sentence awkwardly, trailing off and bites his lip, looking over at the traffic that whizzes by them.

 “What do you do?” Phil asks this as casually as he’s asked everything else. 

Dan isn’t prepared for this. He’d thought up six different professions he knew well enough that he could bullshit, but it doesn’t feel right to lie to Phil. But he’s also not ready for the “I’m literally paid by teenagers watching me tell the weird shit that happens to me” conversation.

So instead, he laughs a little and says, “Oh, I, ah. I make videos. For people. Online.”

“Oh!” Phil says, sounding a little surprised, but not put off. He laughs quietly, almost to himself, and says, “I do too, actually.”

“Oh. Oh? Really?” Dan asks. 

Icy relief courses through him. His stomach settles and the desire to touch Phil rushes back. Dan had hoped for someone who might be able to get used to him making videos, having part of his life on display. But if Phil was another youtuber, even if he’s not a famous one? That thought hadn’t even occurred to Dan. 

“Really, really,” Phil says and slips a little closer, knocking his shoulder against Dan amicably. It’s the first time they’ve touched tonight and it’s like needles up and down Dan’s skin, like its coming awake for the first time in a while. 

They walk the last block of the journey in silence. It’s not quite comfortable. The conversation of their jobs settles between them, unfinished and unmentioned.

But when Dan stops, stepping away from the riverflow of people heading for the escalators downward, Phil follows.

Despite the silence, the tension still hums between them and yes, Dan does still want to touch him. Phil turns completely toward him, a little wicked glint in his eye, and he pulls out a scrap of paper—a napkin from the café, folded in half—and hands it to Dan.

“I was going to give you this anyway,” Phil tells him. “Because I like you. Because I kind of want to invite you back to my flat, except I think this could become a long term thing, and I don’t really sleep with people on first dates if I think there’ll be a second. But knowing we’re in the same field…”

Dan takes the napkin before Phil can continue that line of conversation. He doesn’t want his fucking _job_ to interrupt whatever’s happening right now. The napkin has Phil’s name and what Dan assumes is his phone number. Under that is a bit.ly link, which is…unusual. Is this a link to his page? Why wouldn’t he just write his username?

“I get not wanting to talk about it,” Phil says, stepping closer, officially in Dan’s space. “A lot of the younger guys usually don’t. It’s fine. We don’t have to. Or maybe we’ll do it later, when we know each other better?

Dan nods, distracted. Phil smells really good, like the last notes of something pine-y and herbaceous, and it’s hard to focus on whatever youtuber shit he’s on about. It gets even harder when Phil places a hand on Dan’s hip, gently, and leans closer and up to press a kiss to Dan’s chin, dangerously close to his mouth. The kiss is a little too hard, like Phil got excited and judged the distance wrong, but his hand is hot and heavy through Dan’s thin t-shirt and Dan likes enthusiasm.

Phil says, quietly and still so close. “Let me know when you get home, yeah? I had a really good time tonight, Dan.” 

Then he steps back and smiles at him, grinning like he hasn’t just become a minor sex demon for a moment, basking in the chemistry, and now sexual tension, between them. He waves a little at Dan and walks away. The crowd swallows him almost immediately. 

Dan fumbles his phone out of his pocket, and opens up his contacts, adding Phil and texting him immediately that he had a really, really good time too. 

Phil replies almost instantly, just the purple devil emoji. 

Dan smiles to himself all the way home. No one sits next to him, despite the train still being fairly full. He catches at least one grandmother glancing at him suspiciously. It doesn’t do much to dampen his spirits.

“You’re a goddess,” he tells Louise as he lets himself into his dark flat. He’d made himself wait the entirety of his walk from the Tube station to his flat before he rung her to gush about his date.

“Isn’t he wonderful?” Louise says. “I _told_ you.”

 “He is. You did. Fuck, Lou. We talked for hours. I’m just now getting home.” He toes off his shoes, leaving them near the door to be nearly tripped over tomorrow morning.

 They talk for ten more minutes, mostly Louise asking questions and Dan trying not to be _too_ effusive and failing. He says goodbye to Louise as he sprinkles food into his fish Janice’s tank, and gets ready for bed.

 He settles in a few minutes later and starts putting the last few edits on tomorrow’s video. It’s a fairly simple story, how he ended up naming his fish after the grumpy cashier at the chip shop down the street, but it has a few mini-sketches that needed to be stitched together in a really particular way.

 He finds himself yawning an hour later as he finishes and saves the project and leans over to get Phil’s napkin out of the pocket of his skinny jeans.

Sitting back upright, he grabs his computer and yawns again while he types the bit.ly link into the browser. What greets him has him thinking that maybe he’s fallen asleep and into a dream for a moment.

 It’s the age restriction of a gay porn website that he’s vaguely familiar with. It’s not one of the most popular ones that flood all the free sites with clips of their material, but big enough that he’s run into it a few times when he’s clicking from video to video trying to find something to get off to.

 He checks the bit.ly, enters the link into the browser again, making sure to spell everything correctly and finds himself at the same website. The two men on the front page are definitely naked and definitely doing something more than kissing judging by the way the photo is cropped. This is _definitely_ a gay porn site.

 Flummoxed, Dan agrees that yes, he is over 18. The page he’s taken to isn’t a typical welcome page for a website, promising him hot videos for a low low subscription fee. It’s a specific actor page, complete with scenes and videos, all unlocked. Dan makes a noise, a surprised thing trapped high in his throat.

 Every video features Phil. Except his porn star name is apparently Mark Oxin. There’s a banner with an ad he’s featured in, bouncing on the cock of someone whose head’s been cut off in the shot. Phil’s body is slim, pale and soft, a sharp contrast to the tan, muscled figure who’s thrusting up into him.

Below a beauty shot of him— just of his face, eyes and mouth open wide and the blurred torso of the man fucking him—there are rows and rows of clips and full videos of him with other men. In some he’s got one partner, in others he’s surrounded by naked men. The titles on the website are slightly less reductive than the typical ones on free sites: Backdoored Brits 1-6, Mark Takes Care of Three Friends, Bachelor and Best Friend Go At It, Power Bottom Princes and so on. Most of them have tags like that. Dan scans over twink, bottom, power bottom, pillow princess. A few are also tagged fetish and when he hovers over them he gets glimpses of muscular men in leather and Phil standing over them, good natured smile seeming out of sorts with the video.

 “Oh god,” Dan whispers to himself. Because he was vague, so, so vague, but so was Phil and this is what Phil meant but this is definitely not what Dan meant.

 He looks at the napkin and over at his phone. Should he? He looks at his computer. It’s definitely too late to text Phil. And Phil _meant_ to give Dan access, had given him the link to a totally unlocked page, the kind of access he’d have to pay for otherwise.

 Dan sorts the videos by popularity and clicks on the first one. It’s a clip cut from Backdoored Brits 4, only ten minutes long, and Phil looks a little younger than he is now, which makes sense since the videos three years old and has nearly six million views. Dan can’t help but notice its nearly as many as his most popular solo video. As if this is the time to compare view counts. Dan realizes he might be a little hysterical.

 The clip takes a moment to load, then starts playing.

 It’s gonzo, not bothering with the pretense of a storyline, just two naked men advancing on Phil. Mark? Phil. Phil, who watches them with hungry eyes and takes a cock in each hand when they’re close enough.

 Dan watches Phil blow the men, jerking off the one he doesn’t have his mouth on. It’s hot, but sort of generic, if Dan ignores the part where it’s the guy he just had a fantastic date with. It’s unclear what about it warranted nearly six million views, until Dan skips forward a few minutes.

 It’s not _extraordinary_ , but it’s different than Dan expected. The two men are on their knees now, pressing in close to take turns getting their mouth on Phil’s cock. The whole affair is a wet, slightly squelchy mess, but eventually the two men find a rhythm and manage to kiss around the dark, flushed head of Phil’s cock. The camera pans up Phil’s face, where he’s let his head fall back against the coach and moans. When Phil places a hand on the back of each of their heads and murmurs something about how good they’re doing and how well they listen, Dan realizes that he’s very hard, cock tenting the loose material of the basketball shorts he sleeps in. 

Onscreen Phil tilts his hips up and pushes one of the men’s heads down to mouth at his balls. He keeps his grip of the man’s blonde hair tight and when he wants the man to look at him he pulls the hair sharply, pulling his gaze up to meet Phil’s. 

The question of _if_ Dan is going to jerk off to this disappears before he can even properly think it.

Dan opens the next most popular video in a new tab and grabs the lube from his bedside table. He shoves his shorts down under his cock and looks back to the screen just in time to catch Phil’s large hand jerking himself off across the two men’s mouths, and them kissing around his cock again, passing the jizz between their mouth, letting it slip down their necks. Again, kind of gross, kind of hot. Phil looks down at them, panting a little and looking smug.

Dan manages to get a slippery hand around himself, squeezing a little and starts the second video which features Phil and just one man this time and Phil actually bottoming.

A similar thing happens. It starts out similarly to the first video, Phil pleasuring the top in typical porn fashion. It takes the same turn, as soon as Phil’s the one being blown, he turns aggressive, shoving his cock up into the top’s mouth and laughing a little when he chokes on it. It even extends to the fucking. Phil sits on top and bounces and grinds down, asking why the top is squirming so much, why he won’t man up and fuck Phil like he deserves. 

Dan’s cock is hot and slick in his hands. He squeezes and pulls, rocking his hips, feeling it pulse with his heartbeat. Phil’s laughing breathlessly at the tops attempt to fuck him faster, and reminds him that Phil’s the only one in charge. He’s not so different from the charismatic man Dan had met a few hours before, just naked and more intense. 

It only takes a few more minutes before he’s tilting his head back, moaning and coming, hips jerking. Come pools around the head of his cock, onto his hand and Dan strokes himself a few more times, jerking against the overstimulation. 

Onscreen, the top’s finally gotten on top and Phil voice has gone encouraging, telling him to go faster, harder and laughing through his gasps when the top complies. Dan hips ache just to watch, and he still wishes it was him instead of the beefy dude hovering over Phil’s origami folded body. 

“Oh god,” Dan whispers again, staring at the screen, realizing that he’d basically told Phil that he’s a porn star, too. How were they supposed to keep dating if _this_ is the caliber of fucking Phil is expecting. What’s he going to do when Phil expects him to be able to commiserate with the struggles of taking really huge dicks and contorting yourself into appealing, but uncomfortable positions?

He doesn’t really give a shit about Phil being a porn star, now that he’s over the initial surprise, but he doesn’t want to disappoint Phil, whose probably looking for someone who can understand this part of him from first-hand experience.

Dan grabs some tissues to clean himself off with and shuts his computer. He mops himself off well enough to avoid being stuck to the sheets in the morning and kicks the basketball shorts the rest of the way off, settling in to sleep. Phil seemed like a good dude, and he’d probably be a good sport once Dan explains the mix up to him. His tendency toward freaking out is only going to get him into more trouble in this situation and the solution is to tell the truth. 

His last thought, before he drifts off to sleep, is wondering if Louise knows what Phil does for a living.

Dan wakes up the next morning to his phone’s alarm. Sunlight pours into the bedroom, promising another hot summer day. He stares out the window at a tree just outside his window, swaying gently and sighs. He doesn’t have a ton to do today, which means he can’t avoid thinking about his Phil situation. He leans over and grabs his phone, unlocking it to check the news, twitter and any messages he might have received. 

He’s halfway through the twitter updates of the morning when he gets a text from Phil. It’s simple, asking him if he slept well and a little goat emoji. Dan grins helpfully at the phone and responds, _i did. did you mean to send the sheep emoji?_

Phil responds immediately, pointing out that the sheep face doesn’t really have the same visual impact as the sideways goat. Somehow this starts a conversation that lasts a solid forty five minutes of texting about the visual impact of different animals, emoji or otherwise. It could have gone on longer, but Dan’s stomach is rumbling at him angrily and he tells Phil, apologetic, that he needs his hands to cook breakfast. 

He’s more than a little surprised when, rather than a text response, his phone starts buzzing with a call. It’s Phil.

“Hello?” Dan answers, still more than a little bemused.

“Hi,” Phil says back. His voice is deep, still a little croaky with sleep, like he’s done nothing other than lie in bed and text Dan since he woke up. Which is exactly what Dan has done, so fair. 

“Hi,” Dan says back softly, certain Phil can hear the smiles on his face. “This is unexpected. I didn’t think we as millennials would get to the talking on the phone stage until the third or fourth date.”

Phil’s sleepy chuckle is like warm water down Dan’s back. He wants to spend hours hearing that laugh.

“I’m less of a millennial than you, maybe that’s why?” Phil points out, “Is this alright? I can leave you to it, if you’d prefer.” 

Dan shrugs, then remembers Phil can’t see him. “Talking on the phone is fine, if you don’t mind the sounds of me burning something in the background.” 

Phil makes a pleased noise, not far from the ones Dan heard him make onscreen last night. Dan feels his face warming. He knows he needs to bring it up, and the anxiety knots itself up in his stomach.

He picks at a loose thread of his duvet and tries to think of a way to casual say hey, so I watched your porn last night, when Phil asks, “What are we having for breakfast then?”

“We?” Dan laughs. “Are you making your way over here? It’s a bit of a ride for some tea and toast. Maybe an egg.”

“I don’t really like tea, but seeing you would be worth the trip,” Phil nearly purrs.

Dan honks a laugh, then slaps a hand over his mouth.

“What? _What_?” Phil asks, sounding equally offended and amused.

“Sorry,” Dan says, still laughing. “I’m sorry, that was such a _line_. Does that voice usually work for you?”

“ _Yes_!” Phil says. He sounds put out, but also like he’s about to laugh, so Dan doesn’t feel too bad when he breaks out into giggles, trying to imagine Phil trying that line on someone face to face.

“It was terrible,” Dan tells him honestly, still grinning. “But the tea thing is good to know, if I ever get around to making you breakfast.”

“I think you will,” Phil tells him. It could have been another line, but he says it so honestly, so quickly that Dan bites a knuckle to keep from smiling too hard. Then, he climbs out of bed, wrestles his sleep shorts back on and heads to the kitchen, chattering to Phil the whole way.

By the time they hang up, a full hour later according to Dan’s phone, they’ve agreed to meet each other that evening to see the newest _Alien_ film. Dan feels a little better about the whole porn star thing, like maybe he can just…avoid telling Phil? Or just keep things vague, until he’s sure this thing with Phil is solid enough that it’s worth the potentially mortifying conversation. It’s not a rock solid plan, but it’s what Dan has so far.

They go out on a date that night, and the one after that. The day after, every moment Dan’s not occupied, he’s talking with Phil. When he goes into the youtube offices the next week for an event, people ask him about the way he keeps grinning down at his phone. Louise gives him a knowing look, while he just shrugs and tells everyone about Phil and how they’re taking it slow but Dan feels good about it.

Dan visits Phil’s site twice more, then decides he feels too guilty to keep doing it while not telling Phil the truth. He stuffs the napkin in his bedside table. 

It’s been two and a half weeks of talking all the time and going on dates when Phil invites Dan over to his flat for dinner and for Dan to make good on his promise of Mario Kart annihilation. 

“Of course!” Dan says, staring at his face on his computer. He’s told Phil he’s doing some editing, only for Phil to make interested noises and tell him how good it is that he’s doing work behind the camera as well. Dan knows he’s got to tell him soon, but now the lie of omission is just growing, the more he lets his imaginary porn career grow in Phil’s imagination.

“Awesome!” Phil says, drawing him out of his guilt spiral. “I can’t do too late, I’ve got some work stuff tomorrow, but. Yes. I’m glad you’re coming over.”

“I’m glad, too,” Dan says, softly, like he’s telling Phil he’s glad for other things, too. The bright, thrilling feeling of talking to Phil still hasn’t passed, but there are other feelings, softer and more comfortable, blooming as well. Dan takes a breath. He has to tell Phil, has to tell him _tonight_.

He tries to as soon as Phil opens the door to his flat, except that Phil tugs him in, closes the door and presses him up against it.

 “Hi?” Dan says, hands falling to Phil’s hips like instinct. That pine-y scent is back, stronger now, and Phil’s skin is warm under his shirt. They’re pressed together from the chest to the knee and Dan’s thought about this quite a lot in the last three weeks, shivering in the tension that’s built between them.

 “Hi,” Phil says, “Can I kiss you?”

 Dan nods and leans forward, catching Phil’s mouth with his. Their first kiss tastes a little bit like tomato sauce, and the gum Dan had spit out a few minutes before, and a lot like warm skin. Phil runs his hands along Dan’s shoulders, up into his hair and Dan groans. Phil presses in closer, biting Dan’s bottom lip a little then pulls away. Dan opens his eyes to catch Phil’s heavy-lidded look back. Phil’s flushed, and Dan licks his bottom lip.

“That was nice,” Dan offers, wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist.

“Nice?” Phil laughs and leans back in to kiss him again.

They make out against the door like that for a few minutes, coming together and pulling apart to breath, and murmur quietly to each other. Dan shivers when Phil’s fingers trail over his neck, so of course Phil keeps doing it, first with his fingers, then his blunt nails. Dan retaliates by slipping his hands under Phil’s t-shirt, pressing his thumbs into the soft give of Phil’s hips and pulling him closer, and closer.

Dan thinks that they might spend the whole night here, and pulls his hand from Phil’s shirt to reach lower, squeezing his ass, exploratory. Phil’s laughter is a puff of air against his mouth, but he pulls away from Dan, offering an apologetic smile.

“I can’t do much more than kiss tonight,” he says, reaching out to press a thumb to Dan’s cheek, where his dimple lives. “I’ve got an orgy tomorrow and they’re always exhausting.”

“Ah,” Dan says, working to keep his voice even. “Totally. I understand.”

This is the first time Phil’s explicitly mentioned what goes on at his job. Dan’s stomach tightens. Of course Phil is good at kissing. Kissing is literally part of his job. And why would he want Dan to touch his ass when he’s going to have a bunch of guys who are _professionals_ touching his ass tomorrow.

“You ready for pizza?” Phil asks, oblivious to the whirlwind of inadequacy happening in Dan’s head right now.

“Yeah!” Dan says, pasting on a smile. “Are you ready to lose at Mario Kart repeatedly?”

Phil rolls his eyes and leans forward to press one more kiss against Dan’s mouth. Dan responds immediately, forgetting about the professional kissing, and the lies and everything but the warmth of Phil and that they have the rest of the night to do this.

“Come to mine tomorrow,” Dan blurts when Phil pulls away. “Let me take care of you.”

Phil pauses a little, clearly taken aback by the suggestion.

 “I’m usually kind of out of it after orgy shoots? They take so long, and everyone gets all weird because I mostly don’t do group shoots anymore? They’re all oh Phil are you okay, oh Phil do you need a break?” He rolls his eyes, absently poking Dan’s collar bone.

Dan nods. “Totally. I understand. Another day?”

Phil nods and finally steps away. “I’m free the rest of the week after the shoot. I’ll come the day after tomorrow? And you can take care of me as much as you want.”

Dan agrees and follows Phil into his lounge.

The night before Phil’s supposed to come to his house, he goes to Phil’s website for the first time since he’d shoved the napkin in his bedside drawer. It’s still little shocking to see the guy he’s dating, the guy who might be his boyfriend soon, splayed out like this. It’s strange to see parts of Phil’s body he hasn’t seen or touched yet, being seen, and touched, and tasted by people who are probably way better at it than Dan.

Dan sorts the videos by date, rather than popularity. The latest video is from a few months ago. It makes sense. Dan doesn’t know a lot about porn production, but if his seven to ten minute videos of him sitting and chatting can take up to a week to edit, it makes sense that porn, even gonzo, would take more than a few days to edit and make public.

 “What are you looking for,” Dan mutters to himself. What good would it have done if he’d found it. He’s fairly sure he and Phil are going to have sex soon, if not tomorrow. Was he looking for tips? Dan know its acting, of course its acting. But Phil’s body felt those things and Dan’s fine at sex, he’s had it enough of it—good, bad, and boring—but he’s not a _porn star_. And there’s the other issue. He’s still not a porn star and he still hasn’t told Phil that.

Dan clicks listlessly through the pages of videos Phil’s made. He clearly started young and has had a fairly substantial career. If he can ever stop running from the truth, and if Phil doesn’t dump him when he finally tells the truth, Dan would love to know how Phil got into this line of work, what keeps him in it.

Dan sighs and closes the computer. He’s got a text from Phil that says Phil’s still tired from his shoot, but excited to see Dan’s apartment and meet Janice. Dan stares up at the ceiling.

“I’m not porn star,” he tells one of the spider web cracks that spans from his door to the window. The crack doesn’t respond.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” Dan continues to his silent ceiling. “I wanted to.  But I really wanted to keep dating you, too.”

Outside, an A&E wails. Dan falls asleep.

 Phil shows up the next evening in an actual button up shirt that’s covered in an explosion of tiny foxes.

“Oh god,” Dan says the moment he opens the door and sees it. “Oh no, you’re too attractive.”

Phil laughs at him, delighted, and gently pushes him out of the way, looking around. Dan guiltily watches him toe his shoes off and walk deeper into the apartment, looking for signs of a limp or even slight bow to his legs. There’s none.

“I’ve been trying to imagine what this place would look like,” Phil tells him, touching the fuzzy blanket that lives on the back of Dan’s couch in the summer. “You wear so much black, I figured it be kind of…dungeon-y. Oh hello!”

“Dungeon-y?” Dan asks, watching Phil coo at his fish. “Like whips and chains and stuff?” 

Phil traces a finger along the glass of Janice’s tank, and does a weird little shimmy when she swims over to investigate him.

“No,” he says, eyes still trained on the fish. “Just. Dark. Maybe a little sparse. This is nice though!”

Dan’s flat _is_ sort of dark in comparison to the explosion of jewel tones and video game figurines he’d found at Phil’s place. Its kitted out in different shades of gray, black and white.

“It’s _aesthetic_ ,” Dan says, trying to keep the pout out of his voice. “The bedroom is really nice.” 

Phil straights up and turns around, grinning at him. “Is it? Are you going to give me the grand tour?” 

“No,” Dan says imperiously, gesturing at the small kitchen table where he’s laid out a proper meal that he’s cooked himself. “I was, but then I heard you were talking shit, calling my flat dungeon-y.”

Phil’s still smiling when he comes closer, gets a hand on Dan’s shirt and tugs him closer to kiss him hello. Dan sighs into the kiss, sliding his hands up to settle on Phil’s hips. They stand, kissing for a moment, Phil’s hands buried in Dan’s hair, Dan’s hands making a slow descent toward Phil’s ass, as they’re wont to do. It’s not like their first kiss. Dan can feel the first tendrils of familiarity. He’s learning that Phil likes to bite him a little, that he switches between deep, long kisses and small, biting ones that leave Dan’s nerves jangling in the best way. He’s learned that Phil’s hands will trail all over his shoulders, his neck, through his hair, but he never touches Dan beneath his clothing unless Dan’s done so first. Dan’s learning, and he just wants to keep learning, until there’s nothing left about Phil he doesn’t already know.

“I’ll have to make it up to you, then, yeah?” Phil says when he pulls away. Dan’s mostly forgotten what they were talking about and tries to pull him back in. But Phil lets him go completely, stepping over to the table and making appreciative noises over the dinner Dan’s cooked them. 

“It’s just soup,” Dan says, suddenly bashful in the wake of Phil’s praise. He sits down at the table and reaches for the bottle of wine he’s already started drinking from.

“ _Just_ soup,” Phil repeats, shaking his head and sitting as well. “As if anyone can cook soup. I’m going to have to keep you around, Dan Howell.”

Dan grins and can’t help but ask, “Promise?” 

“Promise,” Phil says back immediately, returning his smile. 

The inclination Dan had about them having sex crosses Dan’s mind again and again during dinner. It’s not that Phil’s doing anything particularly sexy. Before this dinner, Dan would have argued that it’s not _possible_ to eat soup sexily. Except Phil keeps making appreciative noises. And he keeps telling Dan how good everything tastes, how talented Dan is. After the third time Dan’s nearly knocked over his glass of wine while trying to gracefully take a compliment, he’s pretty certain Phil knows exactly what he’s doing to him. Judging from his smile, and the way he keeps finding reasons to brush his feet against Dan’s, Phil knows what he’s doing _and_ enjoying it a lot.

 “Do I get the grand tour now?” Phil asks, finishing his second glass of wine. Dan watches his mouth as he licks his lips. “Dan?”

“Yes?” Dan asks vaguely, then realizes Phil is watching him expectantly. He jerks to his feet. “Yes! Tour.”

He awkwardly extends a hand, which Phil laughs and takes, letting Dan pull him out of his chair. They hold hands as they walk down the hall. Dan points out the guest bath, the second guest room where he usually films (though he doesn’t mention that), he gestures at the stairs to the attic (where all his filming set up is currently hiding) and then they stop in the doorway of his bedroom.

It _is_ a nice bedroom, all done in white and pale wood and lit by fairy lights in the darkness of the night. Dan swallows and looks over at Phil, who’s still gripping his hand. 

“It’s nice,” Phil says and looks back at Dan, quirking an eyebrow.

Dan waits. Nothing happens. He keeps waiting. They stare at each other.

“Are you _nervous_?” Dan asks, incredulous.

Phil laughs. It’s a different laugh, nervous and a little high pitched. His mouth forms a funny little moue for a second then he nods. “I like you a lot! And we’ve taken this really, very slowly. We’ve been dating a month today, did you know?” 

Dan tugs him into the room, to the bed. “I did know that.”

Phil sits on the bed, lets Dan stand between his legs. “So yes! I’m nervous. I know we both—“

Dan leans down to kiss him, cutting him off. “Don’t be." 

Phil pulls him closer. They kiss like that for a while, until Dan’s back hurts from leaning over Phil. They rearrange to lay on the bed, facing each other, kissing and touching. 

It’s not long before Dan finds himself on his back, clutching at Phil’s head as he sucks and bites at the juncture of Dan’s jaw and his neck, probably leaving a mark that’s going to turn dark and angry looking tomorrow. 

Dan doesn’t care though, tilting his head to give Phil easier access and bending his knees to raise his hips to Phil’s. They’re both hard, have been since they laid down. But it feels more real like this, with Phil’s weight pressing him down into the bed, Phil’s mouth on his skin.

“Wanna fuck you,” Phil tells him, slipping a hand under Dan’s shirt to brush a thumb over his nipple. Dan can feel his words as well as he can hear them, feels the sticky-wet brush of Phil’s mouth against his neck. “Wanna take you apart, wanna see how far down that blush goes.”

 “I want—,” Dan says, closing his eyes and taking a moment to breath. “I want that. But I need to tell you something.”  
  
Phil pauses and comes up to rest on his hands and knees. Dan looks up at him. 

“ _Now_?” Phil asks.

Dan blinks at him. “Yes? What?”

Phil flops back to sit on his haunches. “Is it the porn thing?”

Dan sits up. “What do you mean ‘the porn thing’.”

“The youtuber thing,” Phil makes a dismissive gesture. “You meaning something _really_ different when you say make videos online.”

“You knew?!” Dan’s voice hits an octave he wasn’t sure he could still hit. It’s fine. It’s not the weirdest, or loudest, noise his neighbors have heard him make.

“Not the first night,” Phil says, settling in. “But I’ve been in the business a really long time, Dan, and it’s not like the industry is huge here. We’re not _America_. I asked around and no one had heard of you. And then I googled your name.”

“…oh,” Dan leans against his headboard. Google. He should have thought of that.

“Yeah,” Phil says. “Oh. I like your videos, for what it’s worth. They’re funny.” 

Dan nods absently. “I like yours. You _knew_? How long did you know?” 

Phil shrugs. “Before we went to the moves, our second date? I had a hunch before that, but I didn’t find your channel til then.”

Dan covers his face. “You knew for _weeks_ and didn’t tell me?” 

Phil huffs. “I could say the same thing for you.”

Dan drops his hands and hopes his blush isn’t as bright as it feels. “Right. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry actually. I lied to you, And let you keep believing that lie.”

Phil shrugs with one shoulder. “I talked to Louise about it, and hearing about your ex...I can understand why it seemed like the best option. I’d like for you to tell me the truth from now on but. I get it, Dan. I don’t tell everyone I meet about my videos either.” 

“But you told me,” Dan points out.

Phil grins. “I did. I was going to do that anyway. The link changes every month, so if things didn’t work out between us, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.”

“But they’re working out,” Dan says, half asking. He taps Phil’s thigh with his foot, the first bit of contact since Phil pulled away.

“They were,” Phil says, looking down at Dan’s foot. “They still are for me, if they are for you. Most guys don’t love the idea of dating someone who does porn.”

Dan tilts his head.

“But you’re very.” He gestures. “You’re very good at what you do.”

Phil ducks his head and smiles. It’s probably the first time Dan’s seen him abashed.

“Thank you,” Phil says, looking back up. “And yes, I am. Which is why guys are really into having sex with me. Not dating me. I meant what I said about not being great at keep guys around when I sleep with them on the first date.”

“Well,” Dan says, and sort of crabwalks back down the bed, so that his thighs frame Phil’s, to Phil’s amused snort. “Phil. I’m not a porn star. And I’d like to date you. And also have sex. Preferably in the next few minutes.”

Phil grins down at him and leans forward to kiss him. Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s waist and falls backward, pulling a laughing Phil down to the bed with him. It doesn’t take them long to get back to where they were before, hard and breathless, pressing their bodies together. Phil’s lost his shirt at some point. 

“So,” Dan says, as conversational as he can be while Phil is working to strip his shirt off without detaching from his neck. “I don’t mind that you do porn. That’s totally fine.” 

Phil’s head pops up and he narrows his eyes at Dan a little. “But?” 

Dan squirms a little. His bed is going to be a wreck by the time they finish. “But. I don’t want to disappoint you? Because I do not have porn star moves.” 

Phil laughs in Dan’s face and shimmies up his body to kiss him. “What exactly are porn star moves?”

Dan shrugs and flaps his hands in the direction of his computer. “I don’t think I have the quads or the hip muscles to do…any of it? And I’m not sure I can hold you upside down on your shoulders like that. I might be able to deep-throat? It’s been a few months since I’ve sucked anyone’s dick, but maybe it’s like a bicycle?”

 “Deep throating is nothing like riding a bike,” Phil tells him very seriously. “Deep throating is like, what I imagine roller derby is like. But Dan. You’re not a porn star. Why would you have porn star moves?”

 “Well!” Dan says, crossing his arms. It’d probably look more serious if Phil hadn’t unbuttoned his jeans a few minutes ago and they could see the very obvious bulge of his cock pressing against his underwear.

 “Well?” Phil prompts, sitting up and back, directly onto Dan’s cock. Dan grinds up against him, nearly involuntary. Phil rolls his hips with the movement and Dan gestures to them, evidence provided.

 Phil rolls his eyes. “Yes, but _I’m_ a porn star. Ugh. I hate that term. I do porn. You can expect me to blow your mind. I’m sure you’re going to be great, but I’m not expecting performance worthy stuff.”

 Dan pinches the skin of Phil’s hip, grinning when Phil jerks away with a little high pitched scream. He stashes that information away for later.

 “Fine,” he says, beckoning Phil closer. “I’ll give you a perfectly average handjob, and then you can blow my mind.”

 “Way to shoot for the stars, Dan,” Phil says, but he still unbuckles and unbuttons his jeans. His dick springs forward.

 “People go commando in real life?” Dan asks, running his fingers through the dark hair at the base of Phil’s cock.

 Phil shrugs. “I had a good feeling about tonight.”

 Dan laughs and leans over to grab the lube from his bedside table. “Are you calling me a sure thing, Phil Lester?”

 Phil grins down at him, then leans down to press kisses along his shoulder.

“I’ll call you whatever you’d like. Please jerk me off now.”

Dan hums and pours lube in his hand. “You’re polite. Wasn’t expecting that.”

Phil hums back at Dan, and it turns into a moan as Dan gets a hand around him. “Were you expecting me to call you a little bitch and ask why you aren’t fucking me better?”

Dan’s cock, and his heartrate, jump a little bit. Phil raises an eyebrow.

“That might be something to experiment with later?” Dan says, eyes wide. He’s watched a lot of porn and had a respectable number of partners and that hadn’t come up before. But the thought of Phil calling him a bit shit at things with that affable smile on his face isn’t entirely unwelcome.

“I like a man who’s into exploration,” Phil tells him, and thrusts up into Dan’s hand, a little demanding.

If you’d asked Dan before, he’d tell you there’s nothing particularly exciting about a handjob. It’s good, it’s hard to be bad at touching someone’s dick, but not particularly exciting for the one doing the jerking.

Phil’s apparently set out to prove Dan wrong about that. He makes Dan go slow and answers every stroke of Dan’s hand with a grind onto his cock. Dan learns he’s a talker, listening to the steady stream of praise and encouragement coming out of his mouth. But it’s Phil’s moans, deep and low, that have Dan grasping at his hip with his free hand and leaning up to catch his mouth. They kiss like that for a moment, Dan’s slick hand moving between them, Phil’s hips working. Dan breaks off to look down between them, watching the shiny, wet head of Phil’s cock slip between the circle of his hands, in and out and in again. Phil grinds down against him, particularly vicious and Dan moans, surprising himself.

 He can tell Phil’s getting close as he starts to lose the steady, slow rhythm he’s demanded of Dan and his groans get turn into these short, desperate grunts.

 “Yeah?” Dan asks, feeling a little brave. “You like it? Mr. Porn Actor, taken down by a perfectly average handjob?”

 Phil’s orgasm face, his real, in person orgasm face isn’t great. It’s probably worse because he’s laughing at Dan, but he scrunches his eyebrows together and turns a really alarming shade of red. But his cock pulses, hot and hard in Dan’s had, and he manages to get come on both of them. He also goes basically boneless, collapsing on Dan and pushing them both back onto the bed.

 “Shit,” he breathes into Dan’s ear.

 Dan presses his smile into Phil’s shoulder.

 They lay together, silently for a moment. Dan listens to Phil’s breathing slow down, feels his heartbeat calm.

 When it’s been long enough that Dan’s mind has begun to drift, Phil rolls off of him and pushes himself up to rest his head on his hand and look down at Dan. 

“So, what kind of porn star moves are you looking for here?” He tugs a bit of Dan’s hair with his other hand, slowly uncurling it, then letting it curl back up. Dan sighs.

“I’m not,” he says, looking from the ceiling to meet Phil’s blue, blue eyes. “Honestly. It’s your job. I’m not expecting you to bring it in here, with us, unless you want to.”

Phil nods and taps him on the forehead, gently. “Can I blow you?”

Dan nods. “If you want, that’d be great.”

Phil doesn’t move. “And can I finger you?”

Dan flushes. This isn’t the first time he’s done these kinds of negotiations with a new partner, but sometimes people see his hair, and his earrings and his long sweaters and make assumptions he feels the need to fight against. But Phil asks like it’s just another option on the table, like Dan can say yes, or no, and it wouldn’t bother him either way.

“Y-yeah,” Dan says, and because he’s still feeling brave, he continues, saying. “That’s. I like that a lot, actually. It’s um. One of my favorite things. But I need to go clean up. I didn’t…prepare.”

Phil shrugs again. “I don’t think you’ve digested anything in the last half an hour that I’d have to deal with, but sure, whatever makes you comfortable.”

Dan makes a face at him and gets to listen to Phil laugh at him as he walks to his bathroom and starts up the shower. He steps under the hot spray of water and laughs to himself, perhaps a little hysterical. He’s just had sex with Phil. He’s just had really good sex with Phil and he’s about to continue to have sex with Phil that will probably also be really good. 

He takes a moment to let the water fall into his face and just smile. He hadn’t been sure how the conversation about their jobs would go, and this is the best possible outcome. The excitement of what’s to come, not just tonight but stretching out into the future, feels like sparks in his chest, hot and thrilling.

He’s only a little surprised a few minutes later, when he’s nearly ready to get out of the shower, that he hears shuffling noises and his bathroom door opening. A Phil shaped blur comes up to the frosted door of the shower.

“I got bored,” Phil says, his voice muffled and bouncing off the tile of the bathroom.

 Dan laughs. “I was gone for twenty minutes.”

 “Really? Felt like longer on the other side of the door. Some kind of weird time dilation thing. Can I come in?”

 Dan can see Phil’s hand on the handle to the door, waiting for his say.

“You can come in,” Dan says, stepping back to make room for Phil. 

Phil comes in with a blast of cold air, letting out steam. Dan retreats back under the spray and makes a face at Phil, who laughs at him. 

“Sorry,” he says, unrepentant, making grabby hands at Dan, who grabs Phil hand just to pull him under the spray. Phil comes easy, pressing Dan against the far wall of the shower, just under the shower head.

Dan yelps a little at the cold, and Phil just laughs at him again. It’s a sound Dan could get used to. Dan’s about to complain about the cold of the wall when Phil catches his mouth, kissing him.

Water sluices off Phil’s shoulders down between them. They make out against the wall, bodies pressing together, slick and wet. Dan’s erection, flagging in Phil’s absence and then the shock of cold tile against his skin, starts to return and Dan groans quietly when Phil gets a hand wrapped around him. Water trails down Phil’s arm and between them, but there’s still more friction than Dan can stand. 

He pulls away, a little short of breath and says, “Sorry. Can we just. Lube?”

  
“Oh!” Phil says, holding up a finger and backing away. Dan watches, a little nervous, as he leans half his body out of the shower, reaching for something on the sink. 

“Please don’t die,” Dan says, reaching out to hold his hips. “I’m going to be really upset if you die on our one month anniversary.”

Phil laughs and leans back into the shower, returning with a familiar brown and red bottle in hand.

“I thought ahead!” Phil say, sitting the lube on one of the shelves of the shower.

“You did,” Dan says, voice soft with affection.

Rather than come closer again, Phil gives him a long, considering look then grabs him by the hip and gently pushes. Dan goes along with it, turning to face the wall.

“So, I don’t have a ton of advanced level porn star tricks that don’t require like, actual prep,” Phil tells him, pressing a little at his shoulders until he’s pillowed his arms against the slightly warmer tile, his ass set out like a present waiting just for Phil. Arousal zings through Dan at the thought, and at Phil arranging him just the way he wants Dan.

“So?” Dan prompts, wiggling his ass a little. Phil smacks it lightly, more sound than impact, and Dan doesn’t hate that either.

“So,” Phil says, pressing his body against Dan’s side. “I’d figure I’d just give you your favorite thing instead. Rain check on the bells and whistles?”

As Phil speaks, his hand tracks up and down Dan’s back, going lower and lower each time. By the time he’s asking about rain checks, he’s switched to palming one of the cheeks of Dan’s ass, thumb sweeping the expanse of it, creeping closer to the top of his crack.

Dan’s laugh is breathy and high in his chest and he’s really, very hard. It’s been months since he’s had someone touch him this way, with the intention of fingering him. He nods and presses back into Phil’s hand. He thinks a brief apology to his future self and the water bill he’s going to have to pay, because he doesn’t see them getting out of this shower soon. Thank god for old buildings with good water heaters.

“Awesome,” Phil says, pressing a kiss to Dan’s cheek. He disappears for a moment, and Dan hears the squirting noise the bottle of lube, hears it clatter to the floor of the shower. The likelihood of one of them slipping and falling in the shower increases exponentially, but Dan doesn’t care. 

He does care about the feel of Phil’s body, pressed up against him again, the blunt pad of his finger, the middle one Dan thinks, slipping between Dan’s ass cheeks to press against the small, tight hole between them. It’s weird, it’s always weird at first, but Phil’s dropping little kisses on his shoulder and rubbing his abdomen, lower and lower and muttering in his ear about how he’s wanted to do this since the first night they met. It’s warm, so warm, and their bodies move together, and the weirdness tips over into goodness as Dan relaxes and presses back, just a little, feels his body let Phil in.

“You’re so good,” Phil murmurs into his ear, and this voice is nothing like the teasing, arrogant voice he uses to command men to fuck him. It’s a little wonderstruck, like he’s amazed that Dan’s letting him do this.

“I’m great,” Dan says, pressing back again. “Now move. I won’t get used to it otherwise.” 

Phil’s used more lube than Dan usually would, but he’s grateful for it now, breathing through the sensation of invasion, waiting for the minutes to pass and the moment the slip-slide of feeling goes from strange to good to maddening.

 “Another,” he says.

 Phil presses a hand to Dan’s stomach, where’s gone mostly soft again. He asks, “You sure?” 

Dan nods, leaning further into his arms, his body unsure if he wants to press against the feeling of Phil’s finger in his ass or towards Phil’s hand, close but not quite touching his cock. Phil makes the decision for him, removing his finger, and disappearing altogether to retrieve the lube.

“Leave it somewhere within arm’s reach,” Dan grumps, annoyed at the loss of all those delightful sensations at once. Without them, he’s a pruney mess with wet hair in his face, using way too much water. 

“Bossy,” Phil laughs, returning. Dan peels his forehead of his forearms to whip his hair out of his face and glare at Phil. 

Phil’s skin is bright red in the warm water, his eyes bright with laughter. He’s hard again, which is amazing but his own damn problem, as far as Dan’s concerned right now. Dan watches as he squirts more lube into his hand, and gently places the bottle in a corner of the shower near their feet. Dan nods approvingly and rests his head back on his arms.

It takes a moment to get positioned correctly again, Phil at his side, mouth pressed close and still laughing, both hands on Dan.

This time, he wraps a slick hand around Dan’s half hard cock, just holding it, and presses one finger, then the second, into Dan. The sting and stretch is familiar, and for a moment, this is everything Dan’s body is about, all he’s for.

“Move,” he gasps, and Phil acts accordingly this time, dragging his fingers out of Dan in a dirty, slow pull that has Dan’s moan bouncing off the tiles of the shower. It stings, still, but mostly he feels full and wanting and wanted. When Phil pushes his fingers back in, Dan moves his hips to meet him. 

“Good?” Phil asks. Dan nods, and appreciates not being the only one who’s gone monosyllabic.

It doesn’t take them long to find a rhythm. Dan mostly still, letting Phil press in and pull out, fighting the urge to press his hips back, wanting more. When he can’t stop himself, feels his hips moving back, needing to catch the sensation a little more, a little more, Phil breathes in his ear, “Touch yourself.”

 Dan hadn’t really decided to wait for permission, but it still feels like Phil’s done him a kindness. He wraps his hand around his cock, hisses a sibilant _fuck_ when Phil bites his shoulder.

It doesn’t last much longer after that, but there’s a glorious few moments where Phil lets go, wrapping his free arm around Dan’s waist and fingerfucking him properly, letting Dan stroke himself hard and fast and speaking utter filth directly into his ear.

“Perfect,” he says, barely audible over Dan’s dumb, unstoppable moaning. “Look at you, you’re perfect. You’d take it so well, wouldn’t you? Do you want me to fuck you, Dan?”

Dan, who hates talking during sex, hates that he goes monosyllabic and grunting, babbles back, “Yes. _Yes_. Shut up, just fucking. Fuck me, just—“

He comes, gasping, tilting his head back to bite his forearm, cock jerking and come hitting the wall in a wet splatter. Phil doesn’t slow down immediately, and Dan feels sloppy and open, clenching around Phil’s fingers while aftershocks shake through his body.

When he’s done, he unfastens his teeth from his arm, letting his head rest against the wall. He reaches back to catch Phil’s hand, where he’s slowed down, but still pressing in and out of Dan’s asshole, scissoring his fingers a little, experimental. He stops when Dan touches his wrist, slides his fingers out slowly. Dan hears the pattern of the water falling against the shower floor change, assumes Phil’s rinsing his hand off. 

He tries to turn to see what Phil’s doing, but Phil holds him in place by the waist, crowds him up against the shower wall.

“Can I?” Phil asks, sounding awestruck again, and a little out of breath. “Not inside, just—”

“Yeah,” Dan says, cumdrunk and pliant. He gets the picture, and he’d give Phil damn near anything he asked for right now.

Phil presses his cock into the slick cleft of Dan’s ass and thrusts shallowly, breathing heavily into Dan’s ear. Dan feels covered, wrapped in the waning warmth of the shower, surrounded by Phil, soft besides the sparks of over-sensation when his cock brushes up against the wall of the shower. When Phil comes, it’s with a sigh, and a spreading warmth across the small of Dan’s back.

They rinse off, quiet, and step out of the tepid shower carefully on shaky legs. They both flop onto Dan’s bed, still dripping and lay beside each other, breathing.

“Well,” Phil says, after several long minutes of silence. “That wasn’t bad for an amateur.”

Dan snorts and breaks off into laughter, curling over to bury his head on Phil’s shoulder. It bounces against his face with Phil’s laughter. They lay together, laughing, long and a touch too loud.

“That was fucking brilliant,” Dan tells him, lifting his head to kiss Phil’s cheek. “You’re going to murder me with whatever bells and whistles you’ve got in mind.”

Phil shakes his head and sighs, “I’m not sure that can be improved upon. We might have just jumped the shark.”

Dan laughs again, then grimaces at the sheets sticking to his skin. “We should have dried off.”

Phil groans, but rolls off the bed and goes back to the bathroom to grab towels. They dry off, falling into companionable silence again. Dan wraps a towel around his waist and sits on the bed to watch Phil put his clothes back on.

“Would you want to stay the night sometime soon?” Dan asks. He needs tonight to process, but he thinks he’d like to do something like this again, with the added bonus of falling asleep next to Phil.

Phil looks up from tugging one of his shoes on to smile at Dan.

“I’d love to,” he says, hopping a little to get the shoe on. Dan reaches out to steady him.

 They walk to Dan’s front door together a few minutes later, making plans for their next date.

“Phil,” Dan says, stopping at the door. “I’m. I really am sorry about lying to you. Even if you did know. I should have told you sooner.”

Phil nods and grabs his hand, squeezing it. “Thank you. You should have, but I’m glad you told me when you did.”

Dan smiles at him and steps into his space, kissing him on the chin, dangerously close to his mouth. “I had a great time tonight.”

“I did too,” Phil says, smiling. He’s still smiling when Dan lets him out of the flat.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Consent Issues: Phil gives Dan access to seeing Phil’s porn thinking that Dan’s also a porn star. Phil would have done this even if he hadn’t thought that about Dan, given that he wrote it at some point during their coffee date.
> 
> this isn't really the porn star au i set out to write, but its the one that got written!
> 
> title is from allen ginsberg's sphincter. come tell me hi at queerofcups.tumblr.com


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